Nearly 34 years have passed since Harvey and the Moonglows had a Top 40 hit with their rendition of "The Ten Commandments of Love." Though the sweet doo-wop number remains in many respects evergreen, the passage of time has rendered some of the proscriptions - "Thou shalt never love another," for example - charmingly quaint. Thus, on the occasion of Valentine's Day, we have enlisted the aid of a few of our favorite modern lovers - Woody Allen, Joey Buttafuoco, Judge Sol Wachtler, the Prince of Wales, Duchess of York and president of the United States among them - in helping these timeless laws evolve.
Do not, for example, get involved with the local body-and-fender guy. Failing that, when the relationship wanes, do not persuade a classmate to obtain a weapon on your behalf. Failing that, do not shoot the body-and-fender guy's wife. Failing that, try to limit the network representations of your tale to one. Failing that, make sure one of them gives you a series. Failing that, use your jail time to get an education. Media studies?
For example, do not liken yourself, even in a roundabout way, to your partner's tampon. After all, someone - perhaps even someone on your very own secret service - may be listening. For that reason - taste - neither should you liken yourself to your partner's dental floss, Q-tip, zino pad, cuticle scissors, toenail polish, deodorant, acne medication, depilatory, or lotion, cream or unguent of any type. Additionally, if you neglect to heed this injunction and suggest this comparison, your beloved will not improve the situation by suggesting that you should be a whole box of them. Still permissible: Romeo's classic, "Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand . . . ."
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