Let's see, memorabilia also will be auctioned from such luminaries as Joe DiMaggio, undoubtedly a coffee maker or a Simon and Garfunkel tape; O.J. Simpson, probably an orange juice squeezer or a rented car; Rolf Benirschke, possibly a visit to the zoo; Bob Lanier, probably a tennis shoe that also can be raced as a 12-meter, and Juli Veee, who may be selling a vowel.

Opening bid: A starting second baseman. That's where the Padres feel they need help the most, assuming Chris Brown can stay out of the training room long enough to play 150 games at third base. Another bid the Padres might consider would be a starting pitcher, just in case the auction includes . . .

Ah, [Garv], you can see how meaningful your auction could be. It's probably a little late to put it all together this year, but mark it down for the future. If you're going to have a celebrity auction, then auction celebrities. Leave the tennis shoes and T-shirts for the swap meet.